I wrote the following a few months ago. At the time, it was decidedly not funny, but I could see that it might be after I had calmed down. I’m almost there. Hayden gave me permission to post this because he’s pretty proud of his planning and foresight.
Yesterday was report card day for Hayden and Faith. Teachers hand them out at the end of the day in sealed envelopes to take home. Hayden was already in trouble before he got his. He had kind of manipulated information this week (he's too smart for outright lying) and misled his teacher to get extra library time. His teacher is not actually as stupid as he thinks she is and figured it out so he owes her two recesses but he still had to face me. As soon as he got to my desk after school, I let him know that I wasn't pleased. We walked out to the car while I lectured and headed home.
I always let the kids open their report cards and look at them before I do so that they know what they're in for. Our grading system is as follows:
4 = exceeds requirements
3 = meets requirements
2 = getting there but needs more work
1 = failed
In the car, Faith looked over her report card and bounced around and fluttered it in my face because she got all 3s and 4s. Yay for her! Hayden didn't say anything. When we got home, I took his report card. He is allowed a 2 for Handwriting, but is expected to have 3s or above for everything else. He had three 1s (handwriting, spelling and writing mechanics) and numerous 2s - mostly for behavioral stuff. I was beyond mad and had to go pick Reagan up from track so I told him to get a snack and go to his room and we would talk later.
When I got back with Reagan, I was still very, very mad. Furious even. Enough so, that I had no plans to deal with Hayden any time soon. I parked in the garage and noticed a lot of dog food on the floor. This was annoying but not unusual. Reagan went upstairs to shower. Much yelling and banging on doors ensued, followed by Reagan hollering that Hayden wouldn't let her in the bathroom. He is known to take elaborate amounts of time pooping so I told her to go use our shower. I then went out to start the grill for hamburgers. As I was going out the back door, I noticed that the dog's water bowl was missing. I chose to not think about that for the time being.
Things were going along quietly although Reagan kept trying to tattle on her brother for something and I kept telling her to be quiet. I went out and brought the hamburgers in and tried to assemble dinner but could not find the hamburger buns. I had had a pack of 12 of them sitting on the counter and that's kind of a hard thing to misplace. It's not like you go into the bathroom and leave the hamburger buns behind (although I did check there just to be sure.) Finally, I turned to Reagan and said, "This may sound weird, but would you go upstairs and see if your brother has the hamburger buns?"
A few moments later, she was happy to report that he did indeed have the hamburger buns and was refusing to relinquish them. I trudged up the stairs and found my son barricaded in the bathroom with the poodle. I convinced him to hand over the buns but he refused to come out because he "didn't want to get yelled at." Fine. I told him dinner would be ready in five minutes and to get downstairs. I did not say it nicely. Of course he did not come down, so I called Rich, filled him in on what he was about to walk in on and sat down to eat with the girls.
Rich came home all calm and nice and ate with us and then we headed upstairs. Rich nicely, but firmly, told me that he would handle this. He may have hinted that I was in an irrational state of mind. He may have been right about that. He walked to the bathroom and asked Hayden to come out and explained that if Hayden thought he had the only key to the door, he was sadly mistaken. Hayden came out.
They had a nice, logical conversation about Hayden's grades, his lying and his bathroom blockade. It ended with loss of all video games for the rest of the school year for the grades (and longer if there were still 1s on the final report card), a threat to have him removed from the mentor program if he tried to pull one over on his teacher again and a week-long loss of his bedroom door for the bathroom stunt.
Then we went into the bathroom. Hayden had stockpiled trail mix, oranges, apples, bananas, hamburger buns, books, pillows, dog food and the water bowl. He also had a pile of grocery sacks that he had planned to hold under the dog when she had to "go" and then he was going to flush the contents down the toilet.
Hayden would like you all to know that he chose the bathroom because of the toilet and running water and because it didn’t have a window that I could “bust in to get to” him. See what I mean about how 5th grade was a rough year for Hayden and everyone else here? Thank heavens it’s over.
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